Thoughts like elephants balancing on a pin

In my apartment block there is a girl who always sits outside her flat with her laptop. She has a desk set up on the balcony and that seems to be where she works. No matter how early I get up in the morning she’s there. Today London is cold and she’s wrapped in a jacket.

I’m a bit envious of this girl. In my head she gets up at six, does yoga and then meditates for a while. Then she drinks a green smoothie and starts writing her morning pages on the balcony. When she’s done she moves onto working on her next novel. Or perhaps she works on some big commission about that year she spent living in a small cottage on a remote Scottish island. Maybe she’s writing a gonzo piece about working as a cleaner in the City.

All of these things of course say more about me than they do about anyone else and writing them down feels a bit embarrassing. But there you go. I’m comparing myself to virtuous-writer-girl because my own daily routine has been a bit messy this year. I feel like I’m lagging behind and trying to catch up. My days have been shunted forward. If we commute into the new studio at rush hour we end up stuck in traffic so on many days we sleep in and leave at ten. Then we work late, because there is no point leaving at rush hour in the evening. We come back late and the cycle repeats itself. For a morning person this is frustrating. I imagine all the people I work with noticing my emails arriving later and later each morning and a big chorus tutting “well, she gets up late”. I know this is totally irrational.

We’re planning to make a final move south of the river, to find a house or an apartment somewhere nearer the new studio. This move will happen at some point in the coming months. Before then it’s difficult to settle on a routine. I used to think I liked change, but the move is making me nervous. It will be like moving to a new city. Further away from friends and places I know.

As I was running these things over in my head a few nights ago the silliness of it all struck me. I’ve been doing that thing again where everything becomes heavy. Events in the past and the future bubble up and turn into big mountains, casting large shadows over everything else. I start putting a lot of weight on certain things, like balancing elephants on the top of a pin. Life is supposed to be light. As I laid awake that night I realised all I had to do to make things easier was to change my perspective. There is no script to follow to the letter. Most of the time no one decision or thing will cast as long a shadow as I think. Wait and see, wait and see, is all I have to tell myself. I don’t have to be perfect.

I’m working from home today. When the sun hits my balcony I’m going to take my coffee outside, close my eyes and breathe.

Image by Lauren Mancke.

Settling in next to the river

I’m sorry it’s been a bit quiet here lately. The truth is I’ve been a bit unsettled, slightly more unsettled than I thought I would be, by all this change. I’m still trying to make sense of it all, of moving and getting to know a new part of London. I’m trying to prepare myself for some of the other changes that are coming. But I’m still in-between. So I’m focusing on the details, the small things.

We’ve moved to the studio next to the river. When we arrive in the morning the banks along the Thames are muddy. In the afternoon the tide flows back and the waves lap at the flood barriers. The water is silty and a muted brown. There are three ducks, two mallards and a hen living somewhere near the studio. Every time I’ve walked down to the water they’ve been there. Sometimes they jump up on the platform further out where the London Port Authority’s boats dock. Sometimes one of the mallards chases the other one and nips at his tail feathers.

On the other side of the river big ships bring sugar to the Tate & Lyle factory. The current one is flying a Maltese flag. Gangly cranes swing over it and back again with the cargo. It’s a calm and peaceful dance. Planes take off from London City Airport behind the factory. The sound lags behind the plane. I notice them when they’re already on their way. When the tail has cleared the factory and the plane is climbing steeply toward the clouds.

I spend a lot of time scanning the water, hoping to one day spot a seal. I’ve been reading about wildlife returning to the Thames. Pods of dolphins have been seen further west and seals have been spotted near the skyscrapers in Canary Wharf. London is showing me its wild and industrial side.

It’s a over month since we moved to the new studio. I’m getting used to it. London twists and turns around me. Everything radiates from the places we call home, all the routes you know lead to the areas where you live and work. My center has been north and east. Slowly it is shifting to the south. London turns around me and I’m learning to see the city from a new perspective.

On March 3 we have to leave

On March 3 the developers will lock the doors and we have to leave. We found out on Saturday. The rubbish is already taking over the hallways – old chairs, shelves, books, tins of paint, plastic bags and various wooden sticks and metal bits. The people next door left this weekend. The building is quiet. The bathroom and the corridors already have that cold, slightly metallic scent of abandonment.

Soon there will be no more artist studios on Cremer Street. The developer called us an “eyesore on Hackney Road”. And perhaps he was right. This is a crumbling sixties warehouse with graffitied walls, dirty windows and a family of stray cats. It doesn’t fit with the new wine bars or the brand new apartment blocks with their straight walls, small windows and box-like flats selling for £600,000.

Soon this asbestos roof will be torn open and the walls chewed to pieces by bulldozers. I’ve seen it happen to the old council blocks up the road. I watched as the front of one of the buildings came down and a bedroom or living room with bright green walls gaped out over Hoxton like in some disaster movie. That was once someone’s home. During that winter the old buildings disappeared and it’s been a year since people started leaving plant pots on the balconies and bicycles outside the new apartments.

This was always going to happen to the studio building on Cremer Street. The pub with the English flags in the windows was turned into a wine bar. The boarded up one that used to stand on the corner was demolished before I came here, but is still there on Google Street View like a digital ghost. Small shops selling wholesale bags and shoes are being turned into cafes. The gay club has been shut down. The derelict Georgian terraces have been renovated and decorated to smug perfection. The old hospital is being turned into expensive apartments. The boards around the building site show photographs of the people that might one day live there. Pretty, shiny haired people hanging out. Aspirational people.

London has been burned down, bombed and demolished several times over the last 2000 years. It’s always being rebuilt, the old torn down to make way for the new. But like a magic trick, the city never changes. In the midst of all of this turmoil some buildings have managed to escape the bombs and the bulldozers. Cremer Street and Hackney Road will still be there when the studio is gone. The map will look the same. Some of these roads were built by the Romans.

When this building is gone the stray cats in the studio car park will hopefully move on to another spot where people will feed them. The people who move into the new apartments will go to the same cafe we go to for their coffees. The trains will rumble along the tracks on the bridge over Cremer Street. The huge psychedelic graffiti eye on one of the tower blocks further into Hoxton will keep looking out over it all. We will move our studio south of the river and everything changes and nothing changes at the same time.

***

But just so I remember there is a sticker next to the door that says “Do you wear enough black to be an artist?” I don’t know who put it there. Next to it is a stack of framed prints and screens and then the table which used to be used for screen-printing, but we now mainly use for eating lunches and packing web orders, although not at the same time. On the wall opposite is the fridge and the microwave that should have been cleaned four months ago.

There is a shelf with tea and mugs and the plum vodka Gerry’s brother and his wife gave us and I swigged out of the bottle, whilst sitting on the printing table, one day after we’d had some upsetting news (it’s very tasty, thank you!). There is a shelf on the floor full of water-based paint and spray cans. Underneath the table are stacks of vinyls and screens. Next to the table there are two large and solid plan chests.

Underneath the barred windows there is the Ikea sofa I accidentally broke when I bounced up and down on it after I heard that my book had been accepted by the publisher. Then there is our desk where Gerry and I face each other, it’s covered in papers, printers, random hard-drives and cables. We’ve scribbled messages on it. There is a sleeping fish that Gerry drew on a sticker and placed next to my laptop.

Behind Gery is the year planner from 2015 and a huge Wall Street print that was damaged when it fell in front of the door and we had to bash the frame in order to get into the studio. Next to him is the Ikea shelving system with clothes rails stacked precariously on top of it and stock hanging below. Then there is the corner crammed full of stock boxes, hiding all the stuff that’s been forgotten about and kept out of sight. Behind that there are paintings, not ours, they were left here by the previous occupant who uses the studio for storage. This is it. The studio. Soon it will be empty and all we will have left are these memories.

Stuff I learned when I was thirty

Did I perhaps mentioned I was stressed in my earlier blog posts? Well I look at myself two weeks ago and laugh, no weep, no laugh. Stressed? I didn’t know what the word meant then. But I’m not going to go into that too much because then I’m just reinforcing unhealthy neural pathways, which is bad. Instead I’m going to breathe and ignore a third of the things I’m supposed to do today.

Why?

Because it’s my birthday. Today I turn 31 and mostly for my own pleasure and for future reference I’d like to sum up some of the things I learned this year. I apologise in advance for jumping between using first and second person in the following list. It’s my birthday and I don’t care.

Stuff I learned when I was thirty

Sometimes good things happen out of the blue. You won’t expect them. There is nothing you can do to force these things to happen, they just will and, when they do, it will be a nice surprise.

The only thing you can do is to keep trying and to doing the best you can.

Small virtuous things like doing yoga regularly or meditating will start to add up and make you feel better. Exercising regularly will actually make you stronger, even though your subconscious tells you that unless you’re perfect from day one it isn’t worth the effort.

I really must remember not to eat pineapple.

Being around a lot of people is exhausting. Sometimes it’s important to sit in a quiet room with a cup of tea and just look out of the window.

I’m really very resistant to learning how to drive in London. I’ve spent a year making up excuses for why I can’t book that first driving lesson.

The winters are getting warmer.

The more I read, the better I’ll write. The more I write, the better I’ll write. There is a formula for every sort of writing. Learn the formula first, then focus on how to write well.

Worrying is a waste of energy.

No matter how much you’d like to protect someone and shield them from pain you can’t. You can only love them.

Nothing is more important than family and friends.

Not everyone can be your friend.

Being vulnerable in front of a group of strangers might feel good at the time, but quite embarrassing afterward.

Bread tastes pretty good after almost two years of gluten-freeness. So does pizza and a nice dark porter.

Eating well is one of life’s great pleasures. My most vivid memories are all food-related.

One of the best things about London is the river that runs through it. There’s no coast, but at least there’s the Thames.

Singing makes me happy. It shouldn’t matter how it sounds.

I’ve managed to create some of my best work when I’ve had tight deadlines and not been able over-think and over-analyse. Sometimes it’s best to not think and just do.

The best way to tackle fear and anxiety is to try to feel loving, either toward yourself or someone else. I read somewhere that this releases oxytocin, which lowers the amount of cortisol in your system. I have no idea if this is true, but at this point in time the semi-scientific explanation is enough for me.

I’m the happiest when I have a goal to work towards. Without a goal I start worrying about the meaning of life. That might have been OK when I was fifteen, now it’s better to just come up with the next goal.

Hate and fear will only create more hate and fear. And the world doesn’t need any more of that.

Image by Kris Atomic at Unsplash.

Conversation on a London bus

A father and son on a London bus.

Father: So would you have to pay the whole rent if she left you?
Son: I don’t know. I don’t think so, but…
Father: Relationships end you know.
Son: I don’t think she would leave me.
Father: So you’re not just boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.
Son: I guess not.
Father: Does she have a proper job yet?
Son: No …
Father: Can she pay the rent?
Son: Yes (something muffled about the precarious nature of working in London)
Father: It’s a good arrangement for her then.
Son: …
Father: Have you paid off your card yet?
Son: No … but I haven’t been paid for three months.
Father: Do you need some money?
Son: No.
Father: You’re twenty-seven already it’s time you found a permanent job. You’ll be thirty soon.
Father: You want a job where they’ll pay when you’re on holiday.
Son: …
Father: Where is it you’re playing golf again?
Son: Dagenham.
Father: Do you take your clubs with you to work?
Son: Yes, I take them on the tube.
Father: What about bringing your car over from home?
Son: No, I don’t so, I don’t want to do that.
Son: This is Clissold Park, I run here sometimes.
Father: What is it called. Clifford?
Son: No, Cliss-old.
Father: Clissold.
Father: You shouldn’t run, not with your knee.
Father: You can never really escape the city here can you. Don’t you miss the sea?
Son: I appreciate home more than before, but my friends they’re doing the same things, they’ve all settled down.
Father: That’s what you should be doing at your age.

Image by Matthew Wiebe.